My story

A wife and a mother of two children

My story

In October I started to post my blogs on Blog Sme (www.sme.sk) about my life affected by cancer. I thought after 3 articles I would be done. It is April now and I still continue writing not only about cancer but particularly/mostly about trust in God – because the story is NEVER ENDING.

They diagnosed it two years ago when I was 44 years old. My two girls were 4 and 7. The Blog articles were to warn women against cancer. As the breast cancer and its most radical way of treatment hit me not only as a person, a mother, a daughter, but as well as a woman and wife, I was not able to publish under my own name. Thus Alica Biela was born.

Most of everything the cancer touched my faith in God. How?  My father died earlier than I was able to have/create a mutual relationship with him and even to remember him. So it was our mother who had brought us up – me, my younger sister and two older brothers. Mom focused on modesty, big discipline and also uncompromising and simple trust in God. We prayed and went to church moreover because we had to. At least I felt it like this. But I am not complaining about it. It had a meaning in my life.

There wasn’t a church in our town (Nová Dubnica, SK). We had to travel to Dubnica n/Váhom. Sometimes it was uncomfortable, on the other hand, it gave us chance to spend some time with other children and build friendships. Thus the journey to the church wasn’t just its´ quick visit isolated from ordinary life.

Another blessing were Salesian priests in Dubnica n./V. Thanks to Fr. Jozef Čakánek the two parish houses were always open for children and the youth. We called it “down” and there was the place where our simple faith from home could grow and develop under the leadership of the priests and catechists. There was always time for the things that were young people more interested in: singing, sports, trips.

Mom let us go everywhere. Even with friends who didn’t do to church – her only condition was on Sundays and feasts go to church. Otherwise she fully trusted us. When I imagine, how many times I had opportunity to do something wrong, I am surprised! In these moments I imagined her and said: “Mom wouldn’t like it.” It wasn’t fear, as mom couldn’t see me, but kind of respect, the will not to cause her pain and not disappoint her. Mom became a picture or God´s deputy.

It lasted for many years, when I went to Bratislava (the capital) to study and later to work there. The fundamentals of faith & life in faith were rather solid to nourish them willingly in prayers, Bible, church and also in illegal Christian groups during socialist period. Again – it brought me new knowledge, many friends and beautiful moments.

Except of that away from my mother´s protective hand it began to grow also inner trust in myself. It seems to me, that if a person wants – one can manage everything.

When I moved to Canada, got married and had children – some “black hole” appeared in my life. There was less time for GodThere came the first health problem and it broke mine and my husband´s faith. Not in the Existing one, but in the Loving one.

Health and faith came back thanks to mother´s prayers, whole family and friends from Slovakia (as here we actually didn’t have any). We hadn’t stopped to visit church, but I really didn’t feel like praying at that time. But the prayers and faith of others is very strong!

The kids were small and we missed the help of family here, in Canada. There are no evening masses on ordinary days (as in SK) – so we visited church on Sundays only. The time between my confessions got prolonged for many months. I nourished my heart by the Eucharist rarely only – few weeks after I managed to go to confession (although here it seems normal to go for communion even without confession). I felt something is not ok. The older daughter went finally to school and the younger baby was very calm – I joined women Bible study group. So I returned slowly back to Bible readings and other customs.

A half year later the whole process speeded up the cancer. Not only speeded, but strongly shook my fundamentals of faith. The fact that God exists and loves me remained as a constant. The Question was “why I have to suffer? Is it a punishment for my life? Is it because God extremely loves me? What is it good for? Is this suffering from God or from devil? Why doesn’t God do a miracle for me as he does for many others?”

Suddenly I cannot rely on any persons, on any of my friends, on any of the doctors even myself. Sometimes I feel like nobody cares of me, nobody misses me…I feel only God remains. Not God from my childhood and from the childhood of my faith. I realised that I miss God as my Father, whom I can fully consign myself to. I miss God who sacrificed his only Son on the cross because of me. Because of me!

I try to understand by my human endeavour and to accept my cross. I keep hoping and believe into a miracle of healing. I admit that God´s point of view can be different.

People are telling me that it is peace what they feel from me. I can see many struggles behind that peace. People are telling me that I am strong and will win the fight. But is it my own strength? After Gloria, my friend, told me one thing two weeks ago, also this thesis seems to be vague. Actually she said the same thing: ”Mary you are very strong.” But her tune was different that of the others and that changes also the meaning of these words: “You are stopping God by your strength, your faith in your self – the God that is with you.”

By this sentence Gloria have moved me to a bit different level, where there is space for God´s mercy. In a place, where a person stops asking: ”Why? “, starts receiving also things that s/he is not worthy for, something that I cannot do by my self.

Some where here I am waiting NOW, when God stretches his hand towards me. Or I just cannot see it? .
I melted my life into “change” on the Blog sme:

alicabiela.blog.sme.sk

If you are interested to know more about the issue of faith, go trough the following articles (in Slovak only):

Chýbaš mi, otec
Srdce matky
Utrpenie a Pokoj
Mea culpa. Tŕne v srdci.
Lurdský dážď
Od Manifestu ku Magnifikatu
Vianočný plač
Nie si moja priateľka
Sýkorka na dlani
Smrť bez nádeje
Prosba o modlitbu
Predpovede
Jediná istota
Plachta (2)
Svetlo je viditeľné
Krížový most