My story

Editor of the Goodnews magazine

I have always been a church goer, even a daily Mass at times, but it was more a sign of my dutiful spirit than any real living faith. Just at I ate my greens and did my homework , I went to church. But my Christian faith was not at the heart of my life.

My focus was on having a meaningful job – in my case journalism – meeting interesting people and generally having fun and adventure. I fitted God in round the edges. But because I did go to church and generally was leading a moral life, I felt I really was doing all that was expected of me.

It didn’t occur to me that there was anything more – that I had actually missed the whole point; that the Christian life is not about spiritual practices and duties but about a love relationship with Jesus Christ who, if you give him permission, can flood your whole existence and give you a totally new perspective on life.

I had many blessings in life – nice family and friends, good education, good health, great job -but deep down I felt slightly uneasy. I knew that life was fragile and I could lose all these good things and then what would my life be? In an attempt to do a deal with God, in my late 20s I went to work as a volunteer for the Church in Central America. I reckoned two years working with the poor should bring me enough brownie points to get me to heaven, whatever else my life might hold. But God has a way of seeing through our little ploys and things didn’t turn out the way I expected. Instead of working with the poor, I ended up teaching English in middle class school in Panama City, which I didn’t particularly enjoy and didn’t meet my needs for significance and heroism. In hindsight, however, I can see that God was in it all. He was using all this to lead me to a place where I had to face myself and my need of Him if I was going to make sense and meaning of my life.

The catalyst for my life change was going to a charismatic prayer group. Here I heard Catholics talk about God in a way I had never heard before. I had thought a personal relationship with Jesus was reserved for Mother Teresa types, not ordinary people. Yet here were army captains, society ladies with lots of make up and all kinds of people I didn’t approve of, seeming to have a close relationship with God. I thought they were a bit fundamentalist and fanatical.

At the same time as a journalist the key question is always not do you like something or not, but is it true? Their faith made me question my own. I realized I could justify and defend myself or I could admit the truth – that I was empty and hollow inside spiritually and that for all my outward practices I didn’t know God at all.

These people told me that if I wanted to receive the Holy Spirit the way the first apostles had, I needed to repent and give my life to Christ. I had always been a very moral person, so I didn’t really know what to repent of. I was also worried that nothing might happen, which could destroy the little faith that I did have. I realized I was faced with a choice. Did I want to run my own life as I had been doing, or was I prepared to hand it over to God and let his Holy Spirit direct me instead. Because that ultimately is what being a Christian is – someone who tries to live their life, guided by God’s Holy Spirit, instead of by their human desires and fears and needs.

Knowing about some of the techniques of thought reform from my university studies, I didn’t want these people brainwashing me or becoming involved in some kind of religious cult, so I determined to have my one-to-one with God alone. The night I chose was the feast of Pentecost, when the first apostles had received the Holy Spirit in a special way.

I remember as I sat in a small chapel that night, it was the first time I had seriously questioned my faith at all. Did God exist even? My prayer was very poor, but it came from the heart. In desperation I prostrated myself like priests do when they get ordained, as a kind of sign of my surrender to God. As I lay there I suddenly realized in depth of my being that it was all true. God was the creator of the universe and He was massive. And, despite all my good deeds, I had spent my life virtually ignoring Him and not paying Him the homage that was his due! At this realisation I really began to repent in horror at how I had lived and I promised henceforth to live my life totally for God and his kingdom.

My life was changed for ever that night. It was as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes and I began to see God and His loving providence everywhere, in even the smallest situations. My relationship with Jesus grew as I prayed and read the bible and the Mass became alive for me. In my own way I began to live the Acts of the Apostles. The more I prayed and trusted God, the more I saw happen and I knew the bible was true because I was seeing similar things myself.

My conversion experience happened 28 years ago, and over the years there have been times of difficulty and doubt and suffering. Deep in the core of my being, however, whatever is happening on the surface, I am at peace because I have real faith and trust in God. I don’t the fear the future, because I know whatever happens God is there with me and He will bring good out of it all.  “God made me to know him, love him and serve him in this world and to be happy with him forever in the next.” This truth is the bedrock and guiding principle of my life and it is one that I wish everyone else might know and experience too. Thus instead of continuing in my old ambition of becoming a foreign correspondent, although I’m still a journalist, I work full time spreading the gospel through the Catholic Charismatic Renewal and the Goodnews magazine, which I edit.

www.ccr.org.uk